To be successful in the workforce today, and throughout your life, you must successfully engage with people from the beginning to the end of each day. Often, it’s with people whose viewpoints don’t always match your own. And when viewpoints don’t match but you need to resolve the differences, it’s crucial to be able to effectively negotiate with the other parties to create a mutually-agreeable solution.

Quality negotiation skills are vital in situations such as accepting a job offer, asking your boss for a raise or to boost your workplace benefits, or when an organization to which you belong is making decisions that will impact people’s lives.

Traditionally, women have been more reluctant to negotiate than men, which means they have disproportionately suffered from the costs associated with not negotiating. Even today, there is a frequently-noted “confidence gap” between the genders, with one study showing that only 7 percent of women attempted to negotiate their salaries, whereas 57 percent of the men did.

Women are as competent as men in the workforce, with global studies by Goldman Sachs and Columbia University demonstrating that companies employing women actually outperform their competitors on every measure of profitability. So, the issue is confidence, not competency – but, because confidence is a critical component of success, this article will share information about how women can successfully engage and negotiate with others to receive what they deserve.

First, here is a definition of negotiation and why it’s necessary.

Nuts and Bolts of Negotiations

A negotiation is a process in which two or more parties attempt to resolve differing needs and interests through a series of communications. An employer, for example, may want to offer someone higher wages, but needs to consider the overall profitability of a company. Meanwhile, an employee may understand and support the need for a thriving business, but also needs to earn a certain wage to support his or her family.

Employers and employees negotiate because they each have what the other one needs, and they believe they can obtain a better outcome through the process than if they simply accept what the other party is offering. Sometimes, negotiations occur because the status quo is no longer acceptable for one or both parties. Negotiations take finesse because, besides dealing with specific tangible points (wages, insurance benefits and perks, as just three workplace examples), emotions play a part and ongoing relationships are involved. The parties are choosing to try to resolve their different positions through discussions, rather than arguing, or ending the relationship, having one person dominate the relationship or taking the dispute to another party with more authority.

So, here are helpful tips to help you to effectively negotiate for what you deserve.

Six Negotiating Tips for Women

Tip #1 Be Prepared

First, you must clearly define the issues involved and prepare for the negotiations. Be crystal clear about what you want to accomplish, your opening offer, your resistance point (the point at which you would be willing to walk away from the bargaining), and what alternatives you have if the negotiations don’t culminate in a solution that is acceptable to you.

Also, as much as possible, know relevant information about the other party to the negotiation. What is he or she likely to want? Understanding where this person is coming from and what he or she wants to accomplish will help you to manage the negotiation process more effectively.

Tip #2 Be Aware of Fears and Address Them Appropriately

Common negotiating fears include:

  • that your position will not be solidly presented
  • looking incompetent
  • liking people and wanting to make them happy (but perhaps not being able to give them what they want!)/not wanting to affect someone else in a negative way
  • worrying about failure
  • feeling uncomfortable about talking about money
  • aversion to conflict, overall

Sometimes simply recognizing your fears can be enough to put them into context and allow you to move forward. Other times, they point out weaknesses in your preparation – and, in that case, your fears can help you to solidify your research and negotiation approach. Overall, it can help to reframe your wants, focusing on the value they will bring to the other party, and to be prepared to share how your approach can solve the underlying problem of the other party.

Some women must also work on silencing their inner critic, a critic that might be saying how only “bitchy” women negotiate or that you somehow don’t deserve the full benefits of your hard work. Again, you can use these fears to identify places you need to bolster up your attitude and solidify your approach.

Tip #3 Recognize and Optimize Your Negotiation Style

Multiple negotiation styles exist, each on the spectrum of assertiveness and cooperativeness. Here are summaries of common styles:

  • Competing (high in assertiveness, low in cooperativeness): these negotiators are self-confident and assertive, focusing on results and the bottom line; they tend to impose their views on others
  • Avoiding (low in assertiveness and cooperativeness): these negotiators are passive and avoid conflict whenever possible; they try to remove themselves from negotiations or pass the responsibility to someone else without an honest attempt to resolve the situation
  • Collaborating (high in assertiveness and cooperativeness): these negotiators use open and honest communication, searching for creative solutions that work well for both parties, even if the solution is new; this negotiator often offers multiple recommendations for the other party to consider
  • Accommodating (low in assertiveness, high in cooperativeness): these negotiators focus on downplaying conflicts and smoothing over differences to maintain relationships; they are most concerned with satisfying the other party
  • Compromising (moderate in assertiveness and cooperativeness): these negotiators search for common ground and are willing to meet the other party in the middle; they are usually willing to give and take and find moderate satisfaction acceptable

Simply by recognizing your style, you can highlight your strengths and know where to work on weaknesses. This isn’t to suggest that the process will be quick and easy, but it can be a vital step of the process in helping you get what you deserve on an ongoing basis.

Tip #4 Practice!

Becoming effective at negotiating seldom occurs overnight and it can be helpful to first practice your negotiation skills in areas where the process may not feel as intimidating. These can include negotiations:

  • for resources, whether it’s asking for more equipment or to hire more people
  • about how to use resources; with a common purpose, solutions can be reverse engineered fairly easily
  • where you have expertise
  • with big companies where nothing is personal
  • where you have evidence to support your position, including facts, data and logical reasoning

Consider practicing what you’ll say in front of a trustworthy friend or colleague, or practice in the mirror. Imagine different scenarios for the upcoming negotiation and prepare how you might answer, doing so by answering out loud (which is quite different from simply running ideas through your head).

As you become more experienced with the process and as you experience some successes, even relatively small ones, this will help you to gain confidence and become better at negotiating, overall. This will then help to prepare you for more challenging or complex bargaining processes.

Tip #5 Fairness is Important

As long as both parties are committed to the relationship and believe there is value in coming to an agreement, negotiations can typically proceed. If one or both parties, though, are unreasonable, uninformed or stubborn – or listening to advisors with those characteristics – negotiations can fall through.

Or, if one party doesn’t necessarily need the deal and/or isn’t in a hurry – or knows that the other party is without other options and/or in a time crunch – then negotiations may not end up being fair in the long run.

You can’t change how fair the other party will be, but you can determine if your own position truly is fair. Don’t use the “gender card” to get your way, as just one example, because fairness and equality should be at the heart of every negotiation. Conversely, don’t accept an unfair agreement just because, for example, you’re tired of negotiating or you don’t think the situation can ultimately be fairly resolved.

Tip #6 Calmly Ask for What You Want

Be calm, be professional. Unfair as it may be, women who are negotiating can be watched especially closely to see if they show signs of emotion, whether anger or excitement. Ask for what you want, be willing to pause to let the other party consider what you said (rather than quickly filling in the silence) and then respond appropriately.

Always keep your pre-established resistance point front of mind. But, having said that, if a granted concession is unexpectedly greater in one area of more complex negotiations, consider if and how you might be willing to adjust your resistance point in another area as part of the overall negotiations.

Understanding Negotiation Terminology

Another way to close the confidence gap is to ensure you understand what negotiation terms mean and can use them – confidently. We’ll use the example of an employer-employee wage negotiation as our example.

Each person will have a target point, which are the wages he or she would like the other party to agree to. The difference between what an employee wants to be paid and the employer wants to pay is the bargaining range. Meanwhile, the resistance point is where a party would walk away from negotiations; if too low of a wage or raise is proposed, an employee may begin job searching or a job candidate may decline an offer; the employer also has a point at which he or she will reject a wage request and end negotiations.

When the buyer (employer) has a resistance point that’s above the seller’s (employee), this situation has a positive bargaining range. The employer, in this case, is willing to pay more than the employee’s minimum requirements, so this situation has a good chance of being satisfactorily resolved. With a negative bargaining range, though, one or both of the parties must change their resistance point(s) for there to be a possibility of resolution.

In a wage negotiation scenario, either the employer will offer a starting wage or raise, or an employee or job candidate will request a certain dollar amount; the first person to name a dollar amount is making the opening offer. If at least one of the parties has a BATNA – best alternative to negotiation agreements – then he or she will probably approach the discussions with more confidence, having another alternative. So, if an employer offers someone a job, but has another excellent candidate waiting in the wings, the employer has another alternative and can set a higher and/or firmer resistance point. Conversely, if an employee or job candidate has a unique set of skills that are especially needed today, that person probably has more options in the job market – perhaps even other pending offers. The quality of a negotiator’s alternatives drives his or her value by providing the power to walk away and/or set a higher and/or firmer resistance point.

Bargaining Styles

Plus, there is more than one type of bargaining style. One way to differentiate them is to divide them into distributive bargaining and integrative bargaining.

In distributive bargaining, parties’ needs and desires are in direct conflict with one another’s, with each party wanting a bigger piece of a fixed tangible such as money or time, so these negotiations are typically competitive. Parties are not concerned with a future relationship with the other person. A slang term for this type of negotiation is “playing hardball” or “one upping” someone. Strategies often include making extreme offers, such as an employer offering a very low wage or a job candidate asking for an exceptionally high one. Tactics include trying to persuade the other party to reconsider his or her resistance point because of the value being offered – in this example, the job candidate might say that a high salary was required because of his or her abilities or an employer could say that lower wages would be compensated by a great work environment.

With integrative bargaining, though, the goal is win-win collaborations that will provide a good opportunity for both parties. The employer would acknowledge the employee’s value and need for a decent wage, and negotiate accordingly, while the employee or job candidate would recognize the value of working at a particular company as well as the fact that the employer has numerous other financial commitments to fulfill. They recognize that they need one another to maximize their respective opportunities and negotiate from a place of trust and integrity, with a positive outlook that recognizes and validates the other party’s interest in the transaction.

Here’s an interesting psychological truth. Negotiators are more satisfied with final outcomes if there is a series of concessions rather than if their first offer is accepted, because they feel they could have done better.

Salary and Benefits Negotiation Tips

When negotiating at a workplace, don’t focus solely on wage or salary. Also discuss benefits offered and workplace perks – meaning the entire package. This can include, but is not limited to, health care coverage, life insurance, retirement programs, vacation time and flextime. If you’re job hunting, investigate what companies are offering. Where do you think the place you’re interviewing falls on that spectrum? What is the minimum pay level that you’re willing to accept? What is your preferred wage? What benefits are important to you?

If you want to work at a particular company, but the pay rate isn’t quite what you want, ask if you can have a salary review in, say, six months. This doesn’t mean accepting a salary that is clearly sub-par, nor does it mean that you should try to put more pressure on a potential employer who is already offering you a good deal. It is simply something to consider in relevant circumstances.

What workplace perks might be desired? Would a company cell phone help you? Better equipment or software? If so, you could consider accepting somewhat lower pay if you get more tools to do your job.

Or, if you have children, you could negotiate coming in half an hour later so that you can take them to school or schedule a lunch break that coincides with when you need to pick them up. If you bring crucial skills to the negotiating table, you’re more likely to get these concessions than if you are entry-level.

If relevant, ask about company policy if you become pregnant. How acceptable is the policy to you? How important of a negotiating point is this for you? What about if you are injured in the workplace? Educate yourself on your workplace rights before negotiations occur, as well as company policy. If you are valuable to the business, perhaps you can negotiate some additional flexibility.

Who should be the first to make an offer? Some experts believe that, if you allow the other party to provide a starting dollar figure, he or she has shown his or her hand. But, research indicates that final figures tend to be closer to the original number stated than what the other party had originally hoped.

What NOT to Do

Beware of “between”! It probably feels reasonable to ask for a certain salary range – or range for a raise. But if you do that with a current or prospective employer, you have basically tipped your hand as far as how low you would go. Using the word “between” is actually a concession!

Another risky term: “I think we’re close.” A savvy negotiator will recognize “deal fatigue” on your end and perhaps stall in the hopes you’ll concede, just to complete the deal.

For Best Results

People tend to feel more confident when negotiations focus on an area of their expertise and/or where solid evidence exists to back them up. Overall, success is achieved when you first:

  • Determine the interests of the other party
  • Embrace compromise
  • Observe the Golden Rule, treating others as you would like to be treated: fairly and reasonably, without defensiveness
  • Be prepared, both in factual information and in strategy

Keeping these suggestions in mind will help you to achieve success in all areas of life.